MAI KIL

I hurt
someone, again.
It was Halloween. We were going to see a movie. I like scary movies.
Adrenaline.
My sister and the kids were there.
I wish the kids weren’t there.
They heard me curse. A lot. I “said the eff word.”
I don’t remember.
I want to.
I try playing it back in my head over and over again.
Can’t sleep.
This stranger
pushed my sister.
No reason, it seemed. Bad day, I guess.
Maybe he caught his girlfriend cheating.
Rage.
Two other men pulled me off of him.
That was a good thing.
Yes, that was a good thing.
I remember the one man’s voice:
“Please, stop!”
He wasn’t yelling. He was pleading.
I liked his voice. He is
good.
I can’t see his face.
I want to.
I wish the kids weren’t there.

My therapist said my guilt was
Good
            She thought I felt guilt for hurting someone.
            no
                          The guilt was for wanting to hurt him
                          more.

I try playing it back in my head over and over again.
Adrenaline.
I try to feel the tension of his hair around my fingers.
I try to hear the gentle tapping of his blood hitting the tile floor.
He shouldn’t have pushed my sister.
He was having a bad day, I guess.
I am grateful that he pushed my sister.
Thank you,
unkind stranger.
It had been
so long.